Get Carter: James Bond Wishes He Was This Cool

Happy New Year!!

Sorry I've been MIA, I'm home for the holidays, and it's been difficult to find time to sit down and watch movies.  Now I'm reviewing Get Carter (don't worry, not the Stallone one), the movie in which Michael Caine proves once and for all that he is awesome and the ruler of all things.

I am on board with this movie just from the Google Image Search.

Jack Carter is an original gansta, son, who lives in London when he learns that his brother Frank has died in an "accident" in Newcastle.  He goes home to find out what really happened to him, as he (quite astutely) suspects foul play.

Jack gets his Nancy Drew on and tracks down the truth, all while bedding every woman he happens to cross paths with.  Another common trope of the Nancy Drew novel.  Eventually he finds out that his brother did not, in fact, die in an accident, but was murdered by some criminal types.  Because Frank found a porn film featuring his daughter (niece?  It's a little ambiguous) and was going to go to the police.  So they killed him.

The scene where Jack sees the porn film...well, it's pretty intense.  It's made more interesting by the fact that we aren't really sure if Doreen is his niece or his daughter (earlier in the film we learn that he had an affair with his brother's wife, and they weren't sure of the parentage).  Great acting from Michael Caine.  That is his niece/daughter, and he is going to visit some holy vengeance on the asses of those responsible.  They just fucked with the wrong rhino.

And he does.  He goes on a rampage, killing the bad guys in increasingly inventive ways.  After he kills the last one, a man who helped murder Frank, he is shot down by a hitman.  Proving once and for all that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword.  Or shotgun.  Which he never actually fires in the movie, he just walks around looking badass with.  Interesting.

Random Musings:

  • Ew, is that a bottle holder that plays music when you take a bottle of alcohol out of it?  Well that's just...incredibly tacky.

  • I just saw Britt Eckland's name in the credits.  I will bet anyone 50 dollars that she's going to get her kit off.  Don't believe me?  Ask the guys from Coupling.

  • How depressing is a funeral with only five people in attendance?  And that's including the corpse.  Oh, beg pardon, six.  Frank's whorish girlfriend showed up halfway through.

  • Is this guy seriously gossiping about whether or not Frank killed front of his daughter?  That's probably a conversation best reserved for when you're not sitting in a bar with a grieving daughter, you inconsiderate mook.

  • I am so intimated by Michael Caine it's not even funny. "Pissholes in the snow."  I literally just shivered.

  • Seriously, Michael Caine in this movie makes James Bond look like a 1950s housewife who screams and jumps on the table when she sees a mouse.

  • I love the chavvy fight between the female singer and the girl at the bar.  It's nice to see people bringing the class.

  • I really like the relationship between Jack and his niece.  It's actually really cute, all things considering.

  • Is he SERIOUSLY having phone sex with Britt Eckland in front of the landlady??  While she's rocking rhythmically in her little rocking chair?  This is all kinds of sketchy.

  • Wait a minute, he's phone sexing his boss' girl??  Check out the balls on this guy!

  • OK, I'm an easygoing person by nature, but if I had a beautiful house with a beautiful indoor pond and I found some poncy little shit puking in it...well, that would just not be OK.

  • "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape.  With me it's a full time job, now behave yourself."  Ladies and gentlemen, I stand in awe of this man and proclaim him winner of my Badass of the Year award.

  • I do have a bit of a question, though.  So...Michael Caine's from Newcastle who's been living in London, yeah?  So...why is he not Geordie?  Not that I mind, it means that I can watch the movie without needing subtitles, but it is odd, innit?  Like...he does not sound like he's from Newcastle.

  • It takes a confident man to be threatening while bollocks naked.  Most people are at their most vulnerable without clothes - Michael Caine doesn't seem to have that problem.

  • So the moral of the story is: You know that quiet, meek guy who happens to have a brother who's a gangster?  Don't mess with that guy.

  • OK, I'm a little uncomfortable with the scene where Michael Caine forces the girl to strip and then gives her a fatal dose of heroin.  I mean...that's a little overkill.

So that's Get Carter.  It's a classic gritty crime drama, and it's just so very...English.  There are some movies that take place in England but they could really be taking place anywhere, but this just has 1970s Newcastle infused in its very soul.  Yeah, that can date a movie, when it's too easily placed in its own place and time, but I think it works for this film.

Let's talk about the acting.  I think its pretty obvious that this movie begins and ends with Michael Caine, and he owns every frame that he cockily swaggers into.  It's a really good performance from a really good actor...albeit one that I am used to seeing as an old man so it's kind of weird for me to see him in his 30s kicking ass and taking names but I digress.  You just can't have this movie without Michael Caine as Jack Carter.  Sylvester Stallone tried, and I think we all know how that turned out.

So yeah...I liked it.  Is it fair to say that I am not this film's target demographic, and that maybe I would have liked it a little better if I had a Y chromosome?  Probably.  But even though this is a movie that Michael Caine would classify as "not for the birds", I still enjoyed it.  I can appreciate a total badass when I see one. And Michael Caine is always a treat.  So two thumbs up over here.

Thanks for reading, and come back next time for Top Hat!

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